Certainty

(Wrote this entry on February 1!!! Kept meaning to come back and post it. Time really does fly.)

I'm so grateful I took the time to journal some of the experience. Even just 2 years down the road, I reread a journal entry or look back at pictures and realize there's so many little things I've forgotten!

One thing I have not forgotten, though, is the absolute certainty I felt when I finally met the children. The years we spent waiting had been difficult. The weeks leading up to finally meeting the kids were grueling. Not so much because we were anxious to finally see them, but because we were terrified. What if these were not meant to be our children? The medical reports had been vague. Doctors had given us great cause for concern. There was not a certainty in those weeks leading up to the meeting. We were not sure if these 3 children were our 3 children.

But there was faith.
Faith that we were to keep going. Faith that the Lord had carried us to this point and, one step at a time, we were to keep pressing on.
So, that's what we did.
As much as I was making room in my heart and already beginning to love these 3 children, I was simultaneously preparing the bandages for the broken heart I knew might be coming. But, somehow, that was okay. We boarded an airplane to travel around the world, and had complete faith that it was what we were supposed to do.

And then...
Oh.
When I looked at those 3 little faces...
There was such a peace in my soul. An absolute certainty that filled every ounce of my being.

I don't take that certainty for granted. I realize it doesn't always feel that way for everyone. That certainty was a blessing. A gift.

In the past 24 months, I've been trying to navigate my way through becoming a mother. There have been many times when feelings have failed me. I've struggled. It often seems like my world is spinning and I'm just hanging on. Days when I don't feel like a mother or... (honesty here)... feel like being a mother. And yet, I know, for certain, that they are mine and I am theirs.
I'm sure of it.
When I tell the children that God had a special plan for the way we would become a family, I mean it.

On those days my world is spinning, I recall that peace, that certainty the Lord blessed me with 24 months ago. It's what will ground me.