Mixed Emotion

Phew! We're tired.

We followed our usual route to see Justin this morning. I know we live in LA, but the traffic here is like nothing I've ever seen. Our driver, Sergei, is SO NOT opposed to using his horn and giving everyone the business if they get in his way. Sometimes I just close my eyes and go to my happy place... which at this point is anywhere that the people shower regularly and use deodorant! ;)

Sergei... he's a softy at heart, though. You should see him with our girls and the other little ones in their orphanage. He has at least 30 best friends grinning and waving everytime we arrive.

Justin has been pretty much par for the course. We were greeted with a hug, including a little extra neck squeeze for good measure. We were inside for a while, playing guitar, drawing, racing cars. After a while we decided to go outside. He ran to his little locker, stripped down, and donned a handsome outfit of turquoise tights, striped shorts, a ratty brownish sweater, and a jean ball cap... and he was as cute as ever.

We started to walk around the grounds. He led us to a gate, which was locked. Then he moved toward another gate. We realized that he thought we were taking him out of the orphanage... taking him away. Only 3 more days, son. The day is almost here.

We broke out a bag of gummy candies. He immediately took one for himself, gave one to me, and one to Scott. Then he grabbed the bag and ran to the play yard to distribute them to all of the other children. I'd like to say that our boy is just so sweet and loves to share with others...maybe he is, but it is also clear that there is a sort of protocol around here. We saw it with the girls too. You share when you have many (Natalie is still working this one out). If you want something another child has, you should bring an item to trade. The trade isn't permanant. It lasts only until one of the children is ready to take their original item back. This is life in an institution. This is the life of our children.

Now, I report on our visit with the girls with mixed emotion. Natalie came in first. Sat with Scott and I to look at a book, but she was pretty much numb. Looking toward the book, but not engaged at all. We stay with her, keep talking, keep touching, but also give her a little space when she comes in like this. It takes her a while to relax. Later in the afternoon, we took the girls outside. I gave Natalie, what must have been, her first piggyback ride. She wasn't sure what to do or how to hold on at first. But once we got going... the smiles, the laughter. It was music to my ears. I finally had to take a little rest, "Mama oostala!" (Mama's tired!) Later, we had Lexi and Natalie sitting together, face to face, on the same side of the teeter totter. Scott pushed it and I stood beside them moving up and down as they did. I made faces and stole little kisses. They both did a great job at making and maintaining eye contact with me. About that time it was time to go. Natalie ran off and grabbed our backpack. I knelt down beside her to see if she would relax for a hug or kiss. She stood still for just a second, looking at me and smiling. Then she covered up her face in her hands... but I snuck in a little hug and kiss anyway. Lexi had already disappeared halfway across the play yard. She saw her group come out and was ready to join them. I don't know how she's going to do when it's time to take them from the orphanage. She calls every worker mama (as do the other children). When she's done being with us... she's done. We'll see...

As the girls open up to me, they sometimes become a little more hesitant of Scott... which is why I say today came with mixed emotion. We know from talking to other adoptive parents who've been through this, that it's normal for kids to attach primarily to one person at a time (Not that this is attachment, but at least it was a little something). He's being such a patient papa though. Even though it's hard when your children don't want to hug you or snuggle with you or let you hold them. I know it won't be long before he is those little girls' best friend. Like the rest of this adventure, the journey to get there won't always be easy.